The stockings are hung, the Festivus pole installed, and this year’s embodiment of all that is wrong with celebrity culture has been crowned. To be named The Juice* Person of the Year, one need not be the most famous celebrity, and certainly not the most talented. In fact, the winner isn’t necessarily the most controversial, either. All one must do is serve as the face of indignity.
Therefore, Kim Kardashian at long last has been elected into the Juice* Hall of Shame.
In this, our eighth glorious and ignominious year in review, we can no longer deny Kim K. her 15 minutes in the spotlight of disrepute. Let’s face it, 2014 was a big year for Kim, mainly because 2014 was All About That Bass. Nicki Minaj blew up Twitter with her twerktastic VMAs performance. Iggy Azalea shook her comparable Booty alongside Jennifer Lopez. Rihanna wore that naked dress, and Miley Cyrus stormed Tampa Bay with a bruised beach-bum Instagram that will forever be burned into our brains.
And though even Taylor Swift tried to shake hers off, nobody’s derriere was more talked about than Kim Kardashian’s in 2014. While she may not have broken the Internet, in exposing her plump rump on the cover of Paper magazine, Kim also exposed herself as, still, a one-trick pony worth only her weight in Twitter followers.
Beyond the butt, though, this woman — who seemingly does nothing but get naked, be famous and repeat — was actually pretty busy this year. Kim locked down Kanye West, the one man on this planet as egomaniacal as she. Their private, but not-so-secret Florence affair was attended by 600 of the nearest and dearest celebrities they can use as connections at a later date. The multimillion-dollar celebration culminated in one Instagram photo that the couple spent four days of their honeymoon editing. To let Kanye tell us all about it, which he so dearly loves to do, we shall quote : Kim “was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much.”
While not busy parading her baby around for the paparazzi, Kim even managed to land on the cover of Vogue, something no fashion authority ever could have seen coming. But this isn’t the last we’ll see of Kim. No, no. Her selfie book — that’s an entire book of selfies, really — comes out in a mere four months. Mark your calendars!
Couple of the Year
George and Amal Clooney
Somebody scored! And that somebody is a little Hollywood actor named George Clooney, who wed internationally renowned barrister and Barbara Walters’ most fascinating person of 2014, Amal Clooney (nee Alamuddin). George — whom you may know from such hits as playing a doctor on TV and being the permabachelor who in 1995 said he would never again get married, ever — snapped out of his 20-year case of commitmentphobia when Amal walked into his life and taught him a little bit about courting a respectable lady, as opposed to dragging around models as arm candy. Their wedding in Venice, Italy, featured a celebrity-filled boat parade and one of the last gowns Oscar De La Renta designed before his death. According to her holiness Walters, Amal now ranks among Princess Diana, Jackie Onassis and Kate Middleton, because now that she’s married to a handsome, famous man, we can forget all about her human-rights cred (Oxford University, NYU School of Law, attorney for WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, U.N. commission appointee, advisor to former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan) and define her by the clothes she wears.
Least Bitter Breakup
It wasn’t a good year for celebrity couples. The end came for Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, Neil and Peggy Young, Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. It seemed as if no match made in Hollywood was safe. Not even Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who in a very public forum and strangely mature manner, Consciously Uncoupled. Leave it to Paltrow to refuse to fail. She turned her divorce into a success for her website Goop, which saw so much traffic it couldn’t keep from crashing the day the couple wrote all about how cool they are with breaking up. The ridiculously level-headed announcement drew the ire of Paltrow haters far and wide. Why, always, with the obsessive perfection? Why, always, with the thinking that we care? Like the names she chose for her kids, some things will never be understood.
Least Amusing Death
We said goodbye to a lot of talent in 2014 — Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joan Rivers, Justin Bieber’s half-stache — but, in all seriousness, none slayed our hearts more than the unexpected and shocking passing of Robin Williams. The Juilliard-trained actor, frenetic comic and beloved Oscar and Emmy winner committed suicide in his California home in August. He was 63. Williams’ family believed underlying medical conditions caused him to take his own life. The Good Will Hunting actor was battling depression and had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2013. Williams also was suffering from Lewy body dementia, which can cause motor symptoms as well as hallucinations. The meds he was taking for Parkinson’s list hallucinations as a side effect as well. Williams also had a history of alcohol and cocaine addiction, depression, paranoia, compulsiveness and anxiety, so it’s a wonder we were able to enjoy his gifts for so long. We likely can credit his numerous rehab stints for that. Memorials for the late actor went up in San Francisco, Boston and Los Angeles, to name a few, and hundreds attended a private service in honor of a man who had been so generous with his talent. “Robin Williams,” in fact, was Google’s top global-trending search in 2014. During the World Series, the San Francisco Giants paid tribute to Williams, one of their most loyal fans. And it’s hard to forget Billy Crystal’s touching Emmys tribute to the zany Mork and Mindy star who left us in tears. So, here’s to entering 2015 with the hope that next year’s celebrity deaths will involve something a little bit easier to mock. A twerking tragedy, perhaps.
Least Likely to Age
You know how sometimes you wake up and you’re just not feeling like yourself? Well, we’re pretty sure Renee Zellweger feels like that every day. The actress dared to bare her 45-year-old face at Elle’s 21st annual Women in Hollywood Awards in October, and — shock, horror — it was evident that she had a noticeable nip here and a perplexing tuck there. For those who hadn’t regularly come across photos of the Bridget Jones star while sourcing images for The Juice* over the past couple of years, Zellweger’s appearance looked suddenly and drastically different, a la Jennifer Grey’s face-changing nose job. So, of course, social-media users got together to shame her for attempting to maintain a youthful air in an industry that dumps naturally aging women like yesterday’s garbage. Zellweger managed to keep her cool, though, which is good, because there’s no going back to her endearing squint-eye.
Most Juvenile Delinquent
Where to begin? There’s just so much. I suppose we can start back in January when Justin Bieber was arrested and accused of street racing while under the influence. The Maple One was busted driving a Lamborghini all crazy-like through the streets of Miami Beach in what police called an illegal drag race. The legal drama that ensued ended in August with a plea deal — and a courtroom lecture — but so very much happened during the months in between. Let’s see … there was that time the Biebs egged his neighbor’s house, had his mansion raided and was essentially forced to move out of his Calabasas, Calif., neighborhood after throwing a thousand too many wild parties and driving recklessly through the streets. Oh, yeah, and there were drugs found inside his home. That was pinned on his buddy Lil Za. Then there was the time the Boyfriend singer was arrested and charged with dangerous driving and assault following an accident involving a minivan and his ATV that led to fisticuffs with a photographer. Selena Gomez was there for that one. In July, he got into a scuffle with Orlando Bloom at the star-studded Cipriani restaurant in Ibiza, Spain. The two have had it out for each other ever since Bieber was seen getting cozy with Bloom’s ex, model Miranda Kerr. During Paris Fashion Week in October, the Biebs was caught on camera shoving and punching a photographer outside his hotel. Kendall Jenner was there for that. He was accused of attempted robbery after a fan said he tried to take her cellphone. Witnesses heard him harshly insulting a fan in Australia — to her face. He offended a ton of Chinese and South Korean fans after posting an ill-advised Instagram. There was that video of him telling a racist joke. The cops were called on several of his house parties. His condo neighbors hate him now, too. He was detained at LAX and in New Jersey so officials could search his plane for drugs. (None were found.) He was charged with assault in Canada after someone in his entourage of six hit a limo driver several times. His crazy relationship with Gomez landed her in rehab. He even got the cops in trouble; Opa-locka officers were investigated after escorting Bieber from the Miami airport to a number of party spots. So to this, we have just one thing to say: Stop it. Please, for the sake of our sanity, stop it in 2015.
Most Volatile Celebrity In-Law
Ah, the elevator fight seen ’round the world. No, not that one. The one in which Solange Knowles recorded her first hit in years: the beatdown she laid on an unsuspecting Jay Z’s face, that is. Following a Met Gala after-party at the Standard Hotel’s Boom Boom Room in NYC, the Losing You singer lost her ish all over her sister Beyonce’s husband for reasons as yet unknown. Three full minutes of violence, finger-waving, apparent shouting and awkward trapped-ness ensued. We’re sure that by now you’ve seen the video and the happy latergrams Beyonce posted of the sisters shortly after the footage was leaked. The glimpse into the not-so-perfect lives of Queen Bey and Mr. Carter only fueled the divorce rumors surrounding the couple, ever-so-conveniently keeping Bey and Jay in the news during their worldwide On the Run tour. Do they hate each other? Don’t they hate each other? The P.R. masterminds would lead us to believe they did indeed want nothing to do with one another for the duration of the tour, during which they often changed lyrics to reflect that they’ve cheated and/or want out. But now that there aren’t anymore ticket sales to push, it’s all nicey-nicey on the homefront. Oh, and for your Where Are They Now: Solange update, she married video director Alan Ferguson in a pretty sweet New Orleans wedding last month. Maybe she should unleash the fury more often. Seems to have worked out quite nicely for everyone, including her, because now we actually remember her name! #itssolange
Fetus of the Year
Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively
Step 1: Be famous. Step 2: Create lifestyle website peddling stupid-expensive wares. Step 3: Announce huge personal news on said website. Step 4: Steeple fingers a la Mr. Burns as web traffic swells to the point of causing a crash. Hey, it worked for Gwyneth Paltrow. Why wouldn’t it work for Blake Lively? The Gossip Girl announced in October that she and husband Ryan Reynolds are expecting. The actress cryptically launched a Celebration of Family section on her website Preserve, posting photos of pregnant ladies and congratulating “all the expectant mothers out there.” Then she snatched the attention right back from them by sharing a photo of herself cradling her perfectly dressed baby bump glowing in the setting sun. I think I actually heard Twitter weep. Ever since the announcement, Lively’s been showing up on red carpets looking skinnier than most non-pregnant women and, essentially, just making us want to eat all the ice cream because that’ll fix it. Sure, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes gave Blake and Ryan a run for their money with their new addition, Esmerelda. But they didn’t win this award because they failed to show up at every. single. event. ever, looking each into each other’s insanely beautiful eyes and giggling like schoolchildren just to remind us of how happy and pregnant and desirable they are.
Reese Witherspoon Award for Most Self-Involved Inmate
Shia LaBeouf, honorable mention to Alec Baldwin and Buddy Valastro
This year saw a lot of celebrity arrests, but to qualify for the Reese Witherspoon Award for Most Self-Involved Inmate, one must utter something along the lines of, “Do you know my name?” while being taken into custody. Alec Baldwin became a contender after his arrest in NYC for failing to present identification after riding his bike the wrong way on Fifth Avenue. At the precinct, he groused, “How old are these officers? They don’t even know who I am!” So close. Then there was Buddy Valastro, who after being stopped for driving under the influence shouted, “You can’t arrest me. I’m the Cake Boss!” Solid effort, we have to admit, but not quite spot on. And then there was Shia LaBeouf. Oh, Shia LaBeouf. He could have won in a number of categories this year. Most Juvenile Delinquent was calling his name after he chased a homeless man through the streets of New York. But it was what he said while being arrested during a performance of Cabaret on Broadway that won him this award. LaBeouf had been drinking, you see. Quite a lot. Once the show started and Cabaret star Alan Cumming lit up a smoke, LaBeouf decided to join him with a cigarette of his own. His random and persistent shouting got him locked up, and while he was being cuffed, he posed the question, and we quote, “Do you know who the f— I am?” Not only did he invoke the Witherspoon, he also added an expletive, to which we say, well done, sir. Well done.
Most Likely to be 2015 Person of the Year
She may not be a wreck just yet, but her train is starting to look like a runaway. Ariana Grande is already being compared to Mariah Carey. Her voice is angelic; her looks, divine. But it seems it’s only a matter of time before she’s melting down, delivering ice cream and stripping on live TV just like her predecessor. The Pony Tail ballooned into a full-blown diva in 2014. Rumor has it she demands to be carried around like a baby and talks exclusively in a squeaky, Paris Hilton-like voice to her beau Big Sean. Insiders claim Disney Bot 9000 will only be photographed from the left side, in a certain light, to the tune of elbowing Giuliana Rancic out of the way at the AMAs so she could display her glorious dimple. She became so obsessed with her hair that she had it dyed every three days. Her life coach became so fed up with her spoiled episodes that they had to quit. Her list of requests at events is longer than Mini Juice*’s Christmas list, which is saying a lot. And even if all her desires are met, there’s no guarantee she won’t storm out, like she did at a photo shoot in Australia. The Problem singer also charges an arm and a leg for meet-and-greets and is reportedly rude to her fans — you know, the people who keep her relevant and buy her music. One insider told the New York Daily News that she said she hopes “they all f—ing die.” Look, being photographed from one side is nothing new, but this stereotypical, spoiled teen-idol behavior has been seen before, and we all know how it ends: with an arrest, a shaved head, tons of mostly unwanted nudity, a stint or 10 in rehab, or worse, obscurity. Grande is talented, to be sure, but she better Break Free from the cray before the world forgets what made her famous in the first place.